IF you like someone, learn to fight with him. It is the best advice that Krystal Mazzola Wood, a wedding and family therapist approved in Phoenix, gives the couples with which she works. “That makes all the difference in the world,” she says. “Most of us do not intrinsically have the skills necessary to communicate well when we feel outdated or unknown, because we literally go into combat or leak mode. We must actively practice how to communicate well during a conflict to protect and strengthen the relationship. ”
This includes having a handful of essential sentences in your rear pocket to deploy when things heat up. We asked the experts what to say during your next fight with your partner – and how it could help you find your way.
“You are right on ___.”
Couples often land in Mazzola Wood’s office because when they argue, they are stuck on who is right and who is wrong. They tend to set themselves particularly on “perceiving themselves as correct”, she says. “It makes the other person completely unknown and invisible, which encourages them to defend themselves and argue.” There is a better way: instead of ruminating how you will prove your point, draws attention to something with which your partner said you agree. This will help broadcast the tension and remind you that you are in the same team, she said.
“I’m sorry for ___.”
Excusant for your role in an argument – which does not mean taking all the blame – is a shortcut towards a peaceful resolution. “When someone hears excuses, he was softening automatically,” said Mazzola Wood. “I always think of giving the love we want to receive.” Be precise (and authentic) about what you apologize, she urges, looking at your partner in the eyes and speaking of the heart. Do not try to justify your behavior, minimize your partner’s feelings or ensure guilt. It is also a good idea to avoid quasi-apologies, as “I’m sorry that you feel that” or “I’m sorry, but”, which is more offensive than saying nothing at all.
Find out more: 8 ways to apologize
“I hear you say ___. Did I understand that? “
It is an effective way to move the conversation of confrontation and defensive to connection and understanding, while helping to prevent communication errors. “It allows your partner to know that you are not just waiting for your chance to answer,” explains Molly Burgnets, couples therapist and auxiliary professor in the Department of Wedding and Family Therapy of the University of South California. “You are interested in hearing and understanding their point of view, which creates a safe space for vulnerability.” If your partner feels like listening to them really, he will be less likely to continue to argue, she adds-and you will be back on good terms in no time.
“What I need is ___.”
When you are precise about the non-negotiable, you are heading towards the resolution of the problem, rather than bickering on who is to blame. This could mean explaining that you expect your significant other to remove the trash every Sunday evening or help clean up after dinner. “I often see that people expect their partner to read their minds, and they are filled with resentment,” explains Mazzola Wood. “They say things like:” You should just know that the dishes must be washed – we live in the same house. “” It could be true, but providing constructive comments on what will help you feel supported is more likely to result in a desirable result than reprimanding your loved one (or remaining silent and hope they change).
“It’s not me against you – it’s us against this problem.”
Steven Sizemore, psychotherapist in the Houston region, recommends crop conflicts as a common challenge, rather than a battle between two opposite teams. This “promotes collaboration, reduces blame and helps couples move together for problem solving,” he said. The use of “we” language emphasizes partnership and mutual support, adds Sizemore, which is an intelligent way to create healthy communication models and manage conflicts with compassion.
“I think we should take a break and come back in 10 minutes.”
When you are in the heart of the disagreement with someone you love, you probably don’t think clearly, and you might even be tempted to flee. “There are people who leave the house and do not come back for hours, and do not tell their partner where they are,” explains Mazzola Wood. “Or they double, like: ‘we will solve this NOW“Even if no one is in the head space to do it.”
Find out more: 14 things to say in addition to “I love you”
A better approach, she says, is to take a short break and suit you from a time when you will come back in the conversation. This can help relieve anxiety without triggering a feeling of abandonment. “When you take this break, it is very important that you undress,” adds Mazzola Wood – maybe meditate or take a warm shower – “and don’t fix why you are right and they are wrong.”
“Thank you for listening.”
Recognizing your partner’s efforts to be present and understanding during a fight will help you feel again on the same wavelength. Research suggests that for each negative interaction during a conflict, happy and stable couples have at least five positive interactions during this disagreement. “It could be a sweet lead nod, keep your body language open, or comments like” thank you for listening “, because you affirm your partner and giving them a positive strengthening,” she said. “We all want to be seen and heard by our partner and not feel underestimated.”
“Getting back on the right track with you is my priority.”
Many problems will persist throughout a relationship. If you are an introvert and your partner is an extrovert, for example, you will continue to bang concerns about different social needs. This means that you need to develop skills to negotiate around these types of conflicts continuously, says Mazzola Wood. Clearly explain to your loved one that your relationship is priority, rather than being attached to a result. “Remind your partner that you are in the same team and that you are committed to getting back on the right track,” she said. “This brings you both to the air of everything that feels so scary.”
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetalk@time.com
