A few weeks ago, my friend wrote a message in our group cat, announcing that he is moving to Newcastle – somewhere that I like but rarely goes. The initial flicker of excitement to visit northeast England was quickly countered by a pang of sadness. We are barely seen now in London, so what will change when it is 300 miles away?
Above the same time, in a different group, my friend who already lives in Islamabad shared the news of a new job. Another has published photos of her one -year son, whom I still haven’t met. Moments like these remind me that life continues to move forward, even when we are not there to assist them.
I speak to my closest friends every day. It is not always direct. Sometimes it is simply a question of reading their messages, reacting with an emoji, or putting an end to the book at the same time with “haha”. But it’s every day.
Group cats – I have three what I would call “basic” collections of friends – which are alive. They are like corridors that we all cross, but we almost never drag. Late nights playing video games, watching films or thinking about carnivores that we could possibly beat in a fight, have been replaced by jobs, families and many other responsibilities for adults.
The ease of friendship – that the irrefutable ambient proximity that you only get when you are young, broken and at a distance from each other – is distributed as a growing. Now any meeting must be reserved for weeks or even months in advance. And there is generally an abandonment. Could we do in the middle at the end of September? What does your 2026 look like? The general logistical costs of adulthood mean that even the people I feel the closest exist mainly like bubbles on a screen.
Find out more: How to make friends as an adult – at each stage of life
We like to say that the group cat is a lifeline – that it maintains people attached to a loose way while geography and circumstances try to cut the cord. You can pass, send a birthday message, share a Facebook memory (if you still have Facebook) or a oil emptying at semi-regulating intervals to create the illusion of presence.
It looks like friendship, when really, it’s thinner. But because this is the default value now, we do not admit that the group cat has its faults. We may be that he does not replace connections in person, in particular at a time when loneliness was declared “global public health problem”. Another is that group cats can feel drained. In a study of 1,000 American adults, 66% of respondents said they felt overwhelmed by their messages, while 42% said that following them could feel like part -time job.
It is also true that everyone does not use group cats in the same way. For some, WhatsApp is just a glorified calendar. For others, it is the sofa of a therapist. Some people only speak in memes and coils. Some will never say nothing but chance “like” a comment from a month ago.
It is therefore difficult, perhaps impossible, to create a group cat that can meet everyone’s emotional needs. However, we expect it to do it. We count as a Swiss knife for adult friendship: an all-in-one tool for intimacy, vulnerability, humor and support.
There are also certain things that are simply too difficult to say in a group cat. Redundancy, rupture or mourning are not easy to pass.
None of this is necessarily denigrating technology. Group cats can Be fun and useful. They are just not sufficient alone. Real friendships ask us to be there for each other in a way that cannot always be practical; To say things that do not come with a reaction button; To risk introducing ourselves, even if we feel outside synchronization.
It’s hard. My own WhatsApp behavior is not perfect. I have missed important moments. I left unrelated sitting messages for days because I was too tired, too busy or I just didn’t know what to say. And I felt the same bite of others.
However, it is not too late to recalibrate. A group cat can only be part of the friendships. Return the phone calls to head. Do not let meetings become memories. Shake time, as much as you can, to see friends. Do it and hell with the cost of a train or a plane ticket.
The people I love the most still live in my phone. But I try – perhaps imperfectly and awkwardly – to invite them from time to time, to go beyond the reserved space. We must remember that friendship, like all living being, needs air and attention.
