The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety

When you try to comfort someone trapped in an avalanche of anxious thoughts, it is better to prioritize the “presence on advice”, explains Jaime Fleischer, director of therapy at Headspace, “and connection rather than correction”.

Too often, people are trying to rush their friends to feel better, reject or minimize their concerns, or offer unsolicited advice, which can all exacerbate the already increased emotions of the person. It is best to focus on being calm, compassionate and without judgment, and brainstorming means to support your anxious friend.

We asked experts to share the worst things you can say to an anxiety person – more what helps them really.

“Calm down.”

If you want to stay on the right side of an anxious person, don’t tell him to calm you down. He is exasperating in part because he minimizes their experience and implies that they have control over something that is largely involuntary. “I have never met an anxious person who has not tried all the tips in their toolbox to reduce their symptoms of anxiety,” explains Leah Riddel, an approved clinical health advisor who has anxiety. “No one wants to have a racing heart rate or sweat everywhere and tremble, with a upset stomach and racing thoughts.”

Say rather: “I see that you are afraid at the moment. Can I sit with you?”

Focus on how you can show your friend empathy to connect to a deeper level, she advises. If you are not in a place where you can easily sit down, offer a change of decor: “Hey, you want to go to a quiet place and walk for a second?” It could be an opportunity to decompress that they need.

“There is nothing to worry about attention.”

Anxiety does not respond to logic. Yes, it is statistically unlikely that the plane is blocking or that the world will explode tomorrow, but when you are trapped in a spiral of scenarios the worst cases, these facts mean very little. Avoid telling your friend that everything that concerns them is not a big problem or the trouble to be stressed, explains Aerial Cetnar, therapist in Boulder. For them, that’s, and that’s what matters.

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If you minimize someone’s concerns, “it gives them the impression of doing something wrong or has a bad reaction”, which can exacerbate his emotions already on board.

Say rather: “It seems really difficult. Do you want to tell me what goes through your mind?”

You’ll be better to lend an ear. When people outsource their thoughts, they are often able to gain space from their concerns, says thisnar, which can help them start to put things in perspective. “Offer this space shows:” Hey, I have compassion, and I don’t judge you, “she said. You can even add: “I’m here to listen, and if you want advice, I’m happy to give you that.”

“Are you seriously worried again?”

The problem by stressing that someone is still anxious – but that you, obvious captain – is that “he communicates contempt”, explains Roselyn Pérez, therapist in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. “This can appear to be lowering the other person” or by skyrocketing “Shrame and a feeling of non-justice”.

Say rather: “I noticed that you seem a little tense today. Everything is fine? Sitting us together and let’s think about what has been useful in the past.”

While the judgment stops the connection, the curiosity opens the door to the support, she adds. Your friend does not even need to explicitly tell you that they are anxious to ask them gently on this subject – if you know them well, you can perceive that something has gone with them. “You let them know that you are careful and that you come from a real concern,” explains Pérez. “You create a safe refuge where they can open, be themselves and share their concerns.”

“Everything is fine.”

Your anxious friend could worry about something that has no chance of materializing – or their concerns could be perfect. It is impossible to know with certainty, so avoid offering false insurance, says Pérez. “I had many customers worrying about things that, in reality, could Arrives, “she says.” The approach is never to say: “Oh, no, it will not happen.” »»

Say rather: “Let’s grasp what you think. What is the worst case, the best case and the most likely scenario?”

What works better, adds Pérez, is talking about potential results – and make a plan to manage each. Who can help give them a perspective and Let them feel more prepared.

“You react excessively.”

This is one of the most disdainful things you can say to an anxious person, because it often deepens self -doubt, which goes hand in hand with anxiety. “When people are anxious, they try to rush for means to settle down,” said thisnar. “By telling them that they do too much, they will feel like a burden, which will make them feel even more anxious. They already feel like a burden for themselves, and now they are a burden for you.”

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What to say instead: “Your reaction has meaning given what you have experienced.”

Focus on reassuring them that the way they feel made sense. This affirms their emotional experience, says thisnar, while strengthening that “they are not broken to feel like this”.

“Stop thinking that way.”

When someone is breaking anxiety, it is often “really not able to let it go easily,” says Fleischer. Tell them to “stop it simply” minimizes their very real physical and emotional symptoms.

Say rather: “Let us sit and take three deep breaths together.”

It is more useful to invite your friend to join you in a simple respiratory activity. This little act could be enough to reset their nervous system, says Fleischer, and tear them away from these devouring feelings of panic.

“At least…”

It may seem comforting on the surface, but tell your friend that at least is not worse – did not hear what the neighbor is going through? – Probably won’t turn around. “It keeps attention from the person’s pain and sends the message that their experience is not serious enough to deserve attention,” explains Fleischer.

Say rather: “It seems really difficult. I’m really sorry that you are going through this.”

A better approach: let your friend know that you care and feel for them – no necessary fancy word. “Empathy does not require money into money,” she says. “Real support often means recognizing pain simply without trying to dilute it.”

“You just need to be more positive.”

Toxic positivity is not anxiety antidote, underlines Fleischer. Banking anxious thoughts “is not a question of will,” she says. “It is a complex interaction of biology, the environment and experience.”

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Say rather: “You are not alone. I’m here with you.”

Tell your friend that you know that he is doing his best, and that it is normal to sometimes feel anxious. To make it recognize their efforts and normalize their emotions, which reduces the shame which so often accompanies anxiety. Then remind them that you are not going anywhere. These are “the most healing words you can offer,” says Fleischer. “When someone who is close to your heart feels anxiety, your work should not repair it. It is to appear for him.”